The prize

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes

Where did you get that gold watch Paul?

I won it in a race.

How many people participated in it?

Three, a policeman, the owner of the watch, and me!!

Go on the way home

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.

One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit.
“Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.
“No thanks,” the piggy slurs, “I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!”

Can’t have it all

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Smart dogs

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Animals

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were.
The first was an engineer who said his dog could do math calculations. His dog was named “T-Square”, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.

The accountant said he thought his dog was better. His dog was named “Slide Rule”. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem.

The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog “Measure” was told to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem.

All three men agreed this was very good and that their dogs were equally smart. They all turned to the union member and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Teamster called his dog whose name was “Coffee Break” and said, “Show the fellows what you can do”.
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, went to the bathroom on the paper, claimed he injured his back while eating, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for Workmen’s Compensation and left for home on sick leave.

It won’t open

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”