Wearing off!

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side.

A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!”
The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?”

Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Stuck in the mud

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Work

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

“Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

“Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”

Will anyone?

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

A lady comes to fortune-teller, who can read palms.
Will anyone marry me?
No.
But you haven’t even looked at my palm.
I see it from your face…

Will he, won’t he?

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you £10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you £10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

It was rubbish

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Animals

I went to the zoo the other day. It was empty, except for a single dog…

It was a Shih Tzu!