Total Humour

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy,
“Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.
The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn’t survive.
The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.
The pilot says to the punk “There’s only one parachute left, I’ll fight you for it.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said the punk, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Three old couples were having tea one fine day.
There were all chatting and whatnot when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!”
Getting the chuckle he expected, he carried on.

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!”
This got a bit of a bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.
He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and then confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug
He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”