Total Humour

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer’s wife says, “Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?”

“Yes Ma, I reckon I do,” replied the sleepy farmer.

“Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol’ kiss. Why don’t you ever do that?”

The farmer sighed and said, “Well, I reckon I can, but I just don’t know her very well.”

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter’s holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, “Here you go” and goes to leave when the forester says “Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?”

St. Peter says: “Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.”

A 17-year-old girl came home with five job applications.
She carefully filled them out, and later asked her mother
to look them over.

All the answers were clear and concise and she noticed that
on all five applications, under “Previous Employment”, she
had listed “Baby-sitting”.

But then she read, under “Reason for Leaving” her daughter
had answered, “Parents came home.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!