Total Humour

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all
winter?”

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns…

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work,
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about
a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help.
When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair
for the past six months. he won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a
wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John

“How was your game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went,” he answered.

“But you’re 75 years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Worried that they hadn’t heard anything for days from the elderly widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son,

“Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?”

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

“Well, is she all right?” asked the mother.

“She’s fine, but she’s rather annoyed with you,” remarked Tony.

“At me?” the mother exclaimed. “Whatever for?”

Tony replied, “Mrs. Pierpoint said it’s none of your business how old she is.”

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.
Her question was: “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”