A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.
After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug
He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”
A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor…
“I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the husband.
“My testicles are turning blue.”
“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”
The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck’s testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?”
“Yes, I am,” she replied.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”
“Grape”
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2AM and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
“I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something.” she suggested.
“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I answered.
“No girlfriend? Why not?”
“My wife won’t let me.”
Wife asks her husband: “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
He replies: “Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would.”
She says: “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”
He replies: “We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would.”
She asks: “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?”
He says: “That bed is brand new, we just paid $2000 for it, it’s going to last for a long time, I guess she would.”
So she asks: “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she used my golf clubs?”
and he says: “Oh no, she’s left handed.”
