Total Humour

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy,
“Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counsellor.

After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counsellor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug
He looked at the man and said, “This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!”

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, “Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?”

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor…
“I can’t figure it out doc, and I’m really worried,” said the husband.
“My testicles are turning blue.”

“That’s pretty unusual,” said the doctor. “Let me examine you.”

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck’s testicles are blue.
The doctor turns to the wife. “Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?”
“Yes, I am,” she replied.
“And what kind of jelly are you using with it?”

“Grape”