Total Humour

Four people are in an airplane, the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager.
The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane.

The richest man in the world takes one, because he says that his lawyers will sue everyone else on the plane if he doesn’t survive.
The smartest man in the world takes a parachute, because he thinks that the world would be a worse place without him.
The pilot says to the punk “There’s only one parachute left, I’ll fight you for it.”

“That won’t be necessary,” said the punk, “The smartest man in the world took my backpack.”

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds.” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,
“Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.

THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.

After about a minute or so, he spoke…
“From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is “gross”
And the other one is “cool”
Are there any questions?”

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks… “So, what are they?”

Little Johnny’s mother was trying hard to get some ketchup to come out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.

Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone.
“Mummy, It’s the minister,” he said to his mother.

From the kitchen Johnny’s Mum said, “Tell him I’ll call him back.”

Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, “Mummy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now, she’s hitting the bottle.”

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, “I had sex with my teacher today.”

“Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!” says the mom.

A while later the father comes home and the mom says, “Go up to your son’s room and talk to him. He’s been really bad today.”

Dad goes up to the son’s room and asks why mom is so mad. “I told her I had sex with my teacher today,” replied the boy.

“Alright! That’s my boy!”, says dad. “Ya know son, women just don’t think like men. But I’m proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That’s my boy! Ya know what? I’m so proud of you I’m gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you’ve been wanting!”

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. “You gonna ride it home son?” asks dad.

The boy replied, “Nah, my ass is still sore.”