A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,
“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”
The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”
“So then, why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
One day a wife complained, “This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
The husband grunted and replied, “The darn clock always was slow.”
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results.
Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”
George replied, “God and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”
“Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, “that’s incredible!”
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great, but I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
You Know It’s Time to Diet When..
* You dance and it makes the band skip.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.
By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere”, he pleaded with a proprietor.
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy” admitted the manager,
and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.
“No problem.” the tired Army guy assured him, “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better”, said the soldier. The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?”
“No, I shut him up in no time”, explained the soldier.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the proprietor.
“Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek” explained the soldier.
“Then, I whispered in his ear ‘Good night beautiful’, and he sat up all night watching me.”
