Will he, won’t he?

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you £10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy. “Bet you £10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.

“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy. “I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy. “I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”

Go on the way home

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk

Two little piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask the bartender, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender points to the door and they rush in.

Two more little piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, “Where’s the bathroom?”
The bartender again points to the door and they both rush in.

One little piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit.
“Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.
“No thanks,” the piggy slurs, “I always go WEE WEE WEE all the way home!”

Too drunk

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, “No way buddy you’re too drunk.”

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, “give me a drink”, bartender says “No man I told you last time you’re too drunk”

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, “You’re too drunk”

The drunk scratches his head and says “Damn I must be… the last two places said the same thing.”

Half a job!

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk, Marriage

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys.
As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”
The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

Looking good

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk, Marriage

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy,
“Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”