Total Humour

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy,
“Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”

Two drunken men were driving home.
The first started screaming: “Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall!”
Baaaaam! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend:
“You good for nothing, I’ve been screaming for you to watch out, why didn’t you?”
Jim answered him: “IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!”

A guy runs into the bar and says, “Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch.”
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

“Wow that’s the fastest I’ve seen anyone drink,” says the bartender.
“Well you’d drink that fast if you had what I had,” The man says.
“Oh my god,” the bartender says, “What do you have?”
The man replies “50 cents.”

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, “Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?”

The barman replies, “It’s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.”

“Great!” says the man, “but what if I can’t reach them?”

“Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,” the barman answers.

“Do you want to try?”

“No, but thanks anyway.”

“Why not?”, asks the barman.

“The steaks are too high.”

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.”

The drunk replies, “Boobs.”