It won’t open

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

“Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?”
The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Don’t annoy the nurse

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Not with a carnation.”

Shaking!

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

The Wong Family

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor, Family

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong’s have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

“Congratulations,” says the nurse to the new parents.

“Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?”

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, “well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.

No needles

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects again.

“I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!”

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says. “‘I’m fine with pills.”

The dentist steps out of the office and returns a moment later, “Here’s a Viagra.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a painkiller!”

“It doesn’t” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”