Better marks

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Kids, Students

Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.

I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.

Simply a mistake

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“What is it, child?”
“Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.”

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, “My dear, I have good news. That isn’t a sin… it’s simply a mistake”

Million Dollar Question

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the 32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend! Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because … her friend was, well .. blond. She had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

I need an answer,” said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis. “Yes, that is my final answer.”

Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is … absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. “Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you! ,” said the contestant. “How did you happen to know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the blonde. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

I’m not in heaven

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the séance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?”

A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”

Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha.

“Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”

“Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

Looking good

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Drunk, Marriage

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket.
He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket.
He orders a third shot and does the same thing.
After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy,
“Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what’s in your pocket.”
The guy slurs, “Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good.”