Total Humour

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into
her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she
prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned
with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it
got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

“Miss Beatrice”, he said. “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all
winter?”

A man walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, “I got shingles.”

She said, “Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you’re done, please take a seat.”

Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, “Change into this gown and wait in the examining room.”

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, “I got shingles.”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, “I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can’t find shingles anywhere.”
The man replied, “They’re outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, ‘Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, ‘I want to be Sophia Loren and *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, ‘I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, ‘I want to be Sara Pipalini..’

St. Peter looks perplexed. ‘Who?’ he ask

‘Sara Pipalini,’ replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, ‘I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t
Ring a bell.’

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
Says.

‘No sister, the paper says it was the ‘ Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months.’

If you laugh, you’re going straight to hell!

Wife asks her husband: “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
He replies: “Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would.”

She says: “If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?”
He replies: “We’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would.”

She asks: “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?”
He says: “That bed is brand new, we just paid $2000 for it, it’s going to last for a long time, I guess she would.”

So she asks: “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she used my golf clubs?”
and he says: “Oh no, she’s left handed.”

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.
It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost.
While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

“Well, Dad,” said Pete, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.”
“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.”
“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”