Total Humour

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so
he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build
his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he
read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached
his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my
bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

“You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”

A guy runs into the bar and says, “Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch.”
The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

“Wow that’s the fastest I’ve seen anyone drink,” says the bartender.
“Well you’d drink that fast if you had what I had,” The man says.
“Oh my god,” the bartender says, “What do you have?”
The man replies “50 cents.”

A man who’s wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said “It’s a girl but there’s another one on the way.”

He rang again later and the nurse said “It’s another girl but there’s another coming.”

He rang once more and the nurse said “It’s a boy but there’s another coming.”

He couldn’t stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidental dialled the sports line.
He asked “How many did we get mate?”
The person said “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck.”

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns…

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work,
leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about
a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help.
When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the
neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair
for the past six months. he won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I am a
wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused
by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking
that there is no debris in the fuel line. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps, John