Total Humour

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”

As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.

As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.

As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him.
“Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one
day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma
was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the
TV as my boyfriend.”

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was
terrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the
picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV
hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried
to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.

The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her
boyfriend.”

The minister fainted.

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.

On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?

The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife’s beauty.

The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year!