Decisions, decisions

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.
At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.

The husband responded “When we were first married we came to an agreement.
I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.
And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.”

The right girl

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

These must be for your Mum?

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Kids

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your Mum, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my Mum.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your Mum and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

How not to wake the wife

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach.
I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”

We’ve saved your eye

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Doctor

Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we’ve managed to save one of them.

Patient: Oh, thank you very much.

Doctor: Yes, we’ll give it to you on your way out.