It’s dead!

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, People

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.
One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.
Nurse Jones, realizing the Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him.
“It did? I’m sorry to hear that,” she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.
Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr. Smith I thought you told me your penis died”.
“It did” he replied; “today is the viewing”

House work

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, People, Work

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100, on one condition.”

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out £100, which she gladly pressed into the young man’s hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said:
“Clean my house.”

Giving up?

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Kids

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

“Why do you do that, mummy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Davie. “Why are you giving up?”

The Marathon

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Marriage

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend Ralph, when she heard her husband’s car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph, “Hurry! grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband is home early!”
Ralph looked out the window and said, “I can’t jump out the window! It’s raining like hell out there.”
Mary cried, “If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!”

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race, so he started running along side the others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, “Do you always run in the nude?”

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, “Oh yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?”

Ralph answered breathlessly, “Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home.”

Then another runner asked, “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

Ralph answered, “Only if it’s raining.”

I’m telling everybody!

Posted by: Joe King  /  Category: All Jokes, Family, Marriage

A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest,

“Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father… I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!”